Ert@n

All I see are rainbows

ertan — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 07:05:00 +0000

while driving i see alot of car stickers.. funny, political, plain stupid.. but i see a lot of rainbows. i ain’t no homophobe but its about time gay/lesbians stop this gay and proud bullshit.. We understand your gay/lesbian but the whole world doesn’t need to know.

OK.. now one sticker that caught my eye was.. “sorry missed church.. too busy learning witchcraft and becoming a lesbian” now is that appropriate.. People make way the lesbian witch has made a statement.. i might get a sticker “religion made me hetro… i missed out on being gay” no that sounds too born again christian.. umm maybe “I’m not gay but I’m still happy” umm nope.. “the only poof i wanna see is when a magician waves his wand over a black hat” nope that’s homophobic.. that’s it… “Gay people are hetrophobes”

Well I’m going to buy a few rainbow stickers and place them on the back of my mates car.. hes a bit slow and dumb witted, but he thinks his the bees knees to everything male.. so a few rainbows will fix him up.. get a few stares from the gay population… plus ill have a good laugh.

How can me love you when me cant love me

ertan — Sun, 05 Nov 2006 13:38:35 +0000

Have you ever wondered why you where put on this earth… i have sat down for hours on end trying to think why was i allocated with these parents and the time of the new millennium… Why have i been born with a lot of deficiencies in my personality. Why do i fear talking to new people.. why do i not have an extended vocabulary… Maybe its me.. i have not taken advantages of what was given but taken the worst that society has had to offer.. i might show a smile but deep down its an upside down frown .. i am bitter and demented on the inside.. i have heard a funny saying and it fits me to a T.. “how can me love you when me cant love me….”

What can i say

ertan — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 13:05:29 +0000

The joker is who i am. but there are times when i need to talk to ppl about things that are bothering me. i have many friends, but not ones i can pour my heart out to. the only ppl who dont judge me for who/what i am are online. 2 know of me personaly 1 has never seen me at all. the others are family and a friend. family anf friend dont know of this page. any way.. i tried to contact all 3 .. not one answer…. ill leave it at that.. im not going to even ask for no more help of no one…. Ertan Deal With Your Own Problems……………………………………..

grammer and spelling are wrong .. dont give 2 rats arses… adios…

Just a little yarn..

ertan — Mon, 02 Oct 2006 13:36:44 +0000

“Do you still love me?” she asked….

“Dear, of course i do,” I told her. I really meant it. At least I’m sure i did. If i didn’t love her, why then I’ve never loved anyone in my whole life. If anyone was important to me, it was her. “I really love you,” i said… i don’t know why i had my fingers crossed behind my back. It was a childish thing to do. Maybe i didn’t want to love her anymore….

“How though?” she asked.. “After all I’ve done to you, all the things I’ve put you through, how could you still love me?” For a moment i didn’t know how to respond to this. I had never asked myself that question before. But then, the words came to me. The words came that i knew she was waiting to hear…..

“My love for you is infallible,” i said. “Eternally yours, remember i wrote you that? The card on your flowers, the notes on your bed? i love you — unconditionally.” A tear began to swell up in her right eye… i could see it… i watched it fill up between the slow nips of her breathing. i thought at any second she’d fall to tears. When the tears finally came, i almost enjoyed those tears. But then something inside me told me that maybe I’d been wrong.. Maybe she wasn’t such a hateful creature after all. Maybe underneath all that evil, there was a loving person. And maybe she was still in love with me. Just then, a tear started to form in my eye as well…..

Then she really lost her head….. “Oh, baby,” she sobbed. “I missed you too, you have no idea,” she said. “In every face i saw, i saw yours. When i turned on the radio or answered the phone, i heard your voice… When the lights went out at night, i could feel your warm breath on my neck. And once, when I was sleeping, i woke up, and i thought i felt your warm hands underneath my breast. i thought you didn’t love me anymore. i thought we’d never be together again.”

“My sweet angel,” i comforted her, and brushed my hand over her damp cheek. “I told you I’d never let you go, and i meant it. And after you threw me away, i still belonged to you. i waited for you. Though it was you who cheated on me, after you taught me what it was like to
be with someone. You taught me what it meant to love someone. You taught me how to feel things deeper than friendship, love and sex…. you taught me how to be joined with blood, and nourished by your soul.”

“Oh, lover, that first day we shared each other’s blood, i knew it would be forever.” She threw her loving arms around me.

“Oh, it was baby,” i said. “It was.” And then i laughed loudly, and it was cold and shrill. My sweet, innocent angel looked at me, completely unsuspecting. She looked into my eyes, and I saw that tear roll down her face. i saw it slide down her cheek in slow motion. It hit the floor
like a tidal wave crashing on a windless beach. And it laid there. And in the reflection of that tear was every last memory that ever went through her mind.

She stood entwined in my loving embrace. Secretly, my right hand reached behind me and grabbed the consecrating blade from the back of my belt. Yes, my friend, that very same blade that cut out my soul and fed it to her bastard demons a lifetime ago. The knife that took my life from me was now waiting there, quivering in my hand. It seemed so intent on getting my soul back for me. I thrust it out in front of me. By that time, it seemed to have taken on a life of it’s own. Then those same loving hands that used to caress her beautiful, milky-white body drove that blade deep into the crown of her head. Her body slid down mine, lifeless, pulling away part of my shirt with it. She still looked up at me with a cold, hardened stare.

And then she slipped away.

Some times sorry is a hard thing to say…

ertan — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 12:47:26 +0000

People are hurt everyday. They don’t realize it but they are. By complete strangers, loved ones, the people they thought they trusted…. Even lovers or how can i say this…. friends with benefits.

I never realised that i have hurt people in the past but i have. But when i try to say sorry its like I’m opening up a can of worms.. Every little thing becomes slimy and dirty. Its meant to be an apology but it turns out to be something that is completely the opposite. To all the people i have hurt i know you all wont be reading this (maybe its for the best) but i am sorry ……….

Why do people need to hear it. Don’t people just understand that if I’m not….. well… it has to be done.. I’m sorry. I’m sorry i ever crossed your path. I’m sorry i ever said hello. I’m sorry i ever listened to you… I’m sorry you even know my name.. I’m sorry you even have an image of my face imprinted in your memory… I’m sorry you have heard my voice… I’m sorry for treating you bad.. I’m sorry i didn’t treat you more like a human being.. I’m sorry i would rather take drugs than be with you.. I’m sorry i only rang you up when i was drunk.. I’m sorry i never picked up your calls… I’m sorry i lied to you… I’m sorry i nearly cheated on you.. I’m sorry for not cheating on you.. I’m sorry i loved you.. I’m sorry i didn’t love you.. I’m sorry for being more than a friend.. I’m sorry for being like your brother.. I’m sorry for laughing at you.. I’m sorry for making you cry.. I’m sorry for not taking a stance.. I’m sorry for not listening.. I’m sorry for not taking your side.. I’m sorry for upsetting your friend/family/dog/cat/horse/bird/fish/car/bike… I’m sorry for driving drunk.. I’m sorry for driving under influence of drugs.. I’m sorry for involving the police.. I’m sorry you had to get the police involved.. I’m sorry for the restraining order… I’m sorry for the court room dramas.. I’m sorry i ended up in hospital and forced you to sit by my bed.. I’m sorry for not buying you flowers on your birthday.. I’m sorry for the demanding life you have… I’m sorry i couldn’t be more submissive for you domineering life..I’m sorry i wanted you all to myself.. I’m sorry I was constantly ringing you.. I’m sorry i hanged out with my mates… I’m sorry i chose you over my mates.. I’m sorry I spent money on you.. I’m sorry i made you pay… I’m sorry i never made you pay for breakfast/brunch/lunch/tea/dinner… I’m sorry i was your Bitch… I’m sorry i wasn’t your bitch… I’m sorry for bieng in the same town/city/state/country/continent/hemisphere/planet/universe… I’m sorry for bieng a Human… I’m sorry i was ever born..

Now all those sorry’s go out to many different people. You pick the one that you need to make you feel better. And if I have forgotten any other sorry’s please feel free to leave a comment and I will say sorry once more to you..

thank you..

One step forward Two steps back

ertan — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 11:47:20 +0000

The sun is shining, the sky is the brightest blue and not a single cloud in the sky. You can smell it in the air… close your eyes… take a deep breath… relax.. This is as good as it gets…

I guess everyone knows of one person, the pessimist, the one person who can ruin anything with a single comment, who never appreciates anything. Well they done it again. Ruined the outcome of what i thought was going to be a great future to come.

Flash back……… A few years ago i was depressed.. depressed beyond belief. I over came that but it seems to be rearing its ugly head back again. But i don’t need to fall into that trap again.. i don’t.. but why do i feel as though it is coming back to reap the happiness from my soul.. I’m strong.. well i thought i was.. but in reality I’m weak. i can hand out advise to people who ask for it.. tell them its this and that and they thank me and i feel great about myself.. but i can not do the same for myself…. oh how i am a pitifully human being.. thank you.. You know who you are.. You never want me to be happy.. You blood sucking whore.. ill leave it at that…

i am afraid

there is no where to turn…

i am surrounded

by your ignorance…

SURROUNDED BY SO MANY…

i still cant get away from

my own loneliness…..

my sorrow

i reach out

YELL and SCREAM

YET……………………………

from the hundreds that are listening there is no response.

While stuck in Traffic

ertan — Tue, 26 Sep 2006 07:22:10 +0000

Sometimes people do go mad in traffic. All you have to do is look around you. For instance today in the usual traffic jam on the famous Melbourne Car park (Monash Freeway) I began to observe people, the usual nose pickers and the “I’m so late for work ill brush my teeth, have a shave, eat a bowl a cereal” people are normal but you get a few freaks. People who talk to themselves (not on mobiles with hands frees) out loud arguing with the state of the traffic you can see the anger the hatred they have of the cars in front of them, that they have to explode and start yelling. Then there are the in car Ravers, who dance in there seats oblivious to the entire world until they notice you looking at them and smiling which makes them stop. Wait… Who am i to judge them as being crazy. I do that all the time and i would assume I’m sane. The real crazies are the ones who don’t move and just stare straight ahead. Who knows what those nut bags are thinking.. trying to figure out how to the rule the world or who they would like to assassinate. Let it be known i have warned you in advanced.. THOSE BLOODY NEO FASICTS.